


Keep your brittle heart warm

by florgi



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Crying, M/M, Mentions of Death, Original Character(s), Post-TLJ, and cuddling, anxiety/panic attacks, beginning of relationship, it's not there but it's there, shara bey ring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27597692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florgi/pseuds/florgi
Summary: “Do you want to talk about it?”Poe’s instincts kicked in and a rush of adrenaline made his heart beat wildly with the idea of revisiting the mission. Over the years, he’d become an expert in locking up the mental images that could drive him to a breakdown. That didn’t mean the thoughts disappeared, they lurked in the shadows of his head, usually jumping out in terrifying nightmares that deprived him of sleep for days. Poe could already feel dizzy with anxiety, but Finn’s warm eyes were giving him confidence.“I can try,” he offered, tentative.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	Keep your brittle heart warm

**Author's Note:**

> Well hello and thank you for clicking this story. It's my first time writing for Star Wars and it's been way too long since the last time I posted something in English, so be kind with me please.
> 
> This year has been tough for everyone but I've personally been through a lot, and as usual, I dealt with my sadness though my fics, I hope you can find some comfort on this too.
> 
> All the love to my lovely friend Naty for betaing this work. 
> 
> Title from "Peace" by Taylor Swift

Poe took a deep breath slowly, paying attention to the way his lungs filled with air. The memories of the recent battle were still fresh on his mind, revived after debriefing with the General. He wished he could put the images away and forget about them. He _had_ to do it. 

The half-wall of the balcony was oddly cold against his hands. His grip tightened as a new flash of an X-wing going into flames took over his vision. He squeezed his eyes shut, gasping for air when he realized he had stopped breathing. The fingers of his left hand reached for the ring hanging from his necklace, searching for its usual comfort.

Poe was brought to reality by the slightly sharp edge of the ring pressing painfully on the inside of his hand. He opened it in a slow motion and studied with curious eyes the angry red mark on his skin. He felt the impulse to press a finger on the bruise so he could feel the pain again.

“There you are!”

Poe didn’t recognize Finn’s voice at first, it was difficult to tune back to reality. He managed to open his eyes just in time to watch Finn placing one elbow on the balcony, looking at him with a poorly disguised worried look. Poe attempted to offer a welcoming smile, but his mouth twisted in all sorts of wrong ways and he gave up with a defeated sigh.

“Hey, buddy.” 

Finn’s features relaxed with a faint smile and Poe decided he would award himself a victory for that.

“We were looking for you.”

Poe wasn’t the most perceptive with people, but he could easily tell Finn was picking his words carefully. He felt endeared and annoyed in equal parts.

Before he had a chance to reply, there was a warm and comforting hand on his shoulder. Finn’s fingers were slightly grazing the soft skin of Poe’s neck. He couldn’t tell if the touch was intentional or not, but decided not to dwell on it and enjoy the proximity, marvelling at how his loud thoughts turned into whispers with Finn’s presence.

Poe took a few seconds to enjoy the momentary peace in his head. He was aware Finn was probably waiting for a reply, but words didn’t come to his mouth and silence started to stretch and become a little awkward. Poe was about to apologize when Finn squeezed his shoulder and continued as if he had never stopped talking.

“Where’s BB? I thought they would be debriefing with you.”

Poe looked at him deeply, wishing he could put into words how incredibly lucky he was to have found Finn. There was a little weight on his chest that lifted as soon as he realized he didn’t have to pretend, not with Finn.

“Left them on their charging station” he finally replied. “They weren’t too happy but their battery was running very low.”

Finn made a noise with his mouth that caught Poe’s attention. He looked at Finn arching an eyebrow and the other chuckled.

“Like father, like child,” he offered with a crooked grin.

Poe found himself laughing. He shook his head, wondering to the stars what he had done to deserve Finn in his life. He switched his mother’s ring back to his other hand and used the free one to hold Finn’s arm. Poe took a deep breath. He could feel the anxiety creeping its way up again, taking over his stomach and killing the tiny butterflies. 

Letting go of Finn, he placed both elbows on the balcony and conjured the first question that came to his mind:

“How did you find me?”

Finn hadn’t missed the change on his mood, Poe could tell by the way he copied his position in slow, measured movements. He could have been annoyed if the voices in his head weren’t getting so _loud_ again.

“We saw Pava on our way out from the medbay, she told us you were probably here.”

Poe nodded, wondering what Finn and surely Rey were doing in the medbay to begin with. He wished he had the strength to ask about it. He convinced himself Finn would have told him already if something serious had happened.

Silence fell between them again. This time, Poe decided to focus on the distant sounds from the base. The voices of the people talking on their way to the mess hall, the laughter from some of their youngest members playing some weird game just below them, the quick words of the high ranks going through the hallway behind them. It felt like the base was _alive_ just like the jungle in front of them, full of noises and calls from its numerous creatures. 

A W-wing flew near base and turned left out of their sight, surely heading to the hangars.

Poe was reminded of his mission and his shoulders sagged. Finn sensed his distress and moved a little closer until their elbows were touching. Poe could feel him analyzing his face.

“Jess told me about Cassali.”

Poe shut his eyes.

“Finn…” 

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Oh, but it kind of was,” he retorted sharply.

To Poe’s surprise, Finn remained firmly by his side, stepping even closer. Poe’s words were already wobbly when he spoke again:

“Hell, it wasn’t even a risky mission! But those bastards appeared out of nowhere and we…”

He choked up and had to stop talking.

It was stupid, Poe thought to himself. They had lost many more people. He had been responsible for many more casualties in a single mission. But somehow, losing just one person felt worse. It gave him space to mourn their loss only. Pain became more specific and sharp, piercing the center of his chest. It was something completely different to the overall numbness that comes with grieving dozens. 

It was worse too when he knew them as much as he knew Cassali, and when they were so young as her.

Poe still remembered her trailing before her father, one of his instructors in the Academy, with curious eyes and always ready to ask questions. She had told them with her brave little voice that she was going to be a pilot too, when she got older. And still, her round face had felt so out of place when she walked into the hangar with her Resistance uniform. _That’s why I try to frown more often, just like you,_ she had whispered to Poe with a playful wink, like she had confessed a great secret.

And now she was gone, dead on a mission under Poe’s lead.

“Poe…” The sound of Finn’s voice reached him from very afar. He regained consciousness slowly and he noticed his breath was far too quick and that his heart failed to find a steady rhythm. “Poe? Are you with me?”

He nodded a little and rested some of the weight of his body on Finn. There was still room on his head to question whether he deserved the kind of comfort Finn was giving him. A parade of all his mistakes and the lives that had been taken occupying the rest.

“Good, good. I need you to focus on my voice, okay? Only on my voice.”

Poe tried to focus, closing his eyes and then opening them wide, mixing his memories with reality in the process. He was getting dizzy. He grabbed Finn’s hand. He tried to listen.

“Follow me, okay?”

Poe nodded, he just needed to hold onto Finn tightly. He could do that.

They moved quickly through the base. Poe was marginally aware of the curious looks some people were giving them. _They had seen worse,_ supplied his inner voice trying to appease him, but the thought just made him nauseous.

Poe let Finn lead the way without questioning their destination, though he couldn’t help but be curious as they approached the first trees of the jungle. Finn seemed to notice his confusion and squeezed his hand.

“We’re almost there.”

Poe found himself too out of breath to reply so he gave a squeeze back. He tried to choose things to focus on in an attempt to ease his panic which was still rushing through his veins. 

_Roots under his feet. Finn’s hand. The smell of wild flowers._

_Cassali wishing him good luck before hopping on his X-wing. The bright, burning flames. Jess’ voice on his comm asking if he was alright._

He didn’t want to be in his head anymore.

“Stay with me, Poe.”

Finn’s voice was soft but firm and Poe could trick himself to take that as an order. He squeezed Finn’s hand to let him know he had listened. 

Still holding hands, they finally arrived to some kind of clear in the jungle. Breathing was still difficult, but at least Poe could see his surroundings now. Finn tugged a little at his hand, gesturing to sit on the floor, right next to a huge tree with a yellowish trunk. Poe sat beside him, far closer than he’d allowed himself if he were a little less shaken.

They sat in silence for a while, letting the momentary peace wash over them. War felt too much like being constantly running. There was no time to rest, to enjoy or to grieve. But right there, in the middle of the jungle, Poe could forget for a little while of everything except for the sound of nature and Finn’s soothing presence that seemed to filter into his blood and slowly spread its comfort through his whole body.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

It took a few seconds before Poe understood Finn meant Cassali’s death.

Poe’s instincts kicked in and a rush of adrenaline made his heart beat wildly with the idea of revisiting the mission. Over the years, he’d become an expert in locking up the mental images that could drive him to a breakdown. That didn’t mean the thoughts disappeared, they lurked in the shadows of his head, usually jumping out in terrifying nightmares that deprived him of sleep for days. Talking about Cassali’s death was intimidating to say the least, Poe could already feel dizzy with anxiety, but Finn’s warm eyes were giving him confidence. 

“I can try,” he offered, tentative.

“Only if you want.”

Finn was being so careful with him. Poe wanted to cry.

“It took a second of us having our guards down. We hadn’t seen one irregular thing the whole mission and this… This cargo ship was slightly suspicious and we followed it at a distance, I think we all assumed it was just another false lead.” Poe threw his head back and closed his eyes tightly. “I should have noticed there was something off. I could have done something, anything.” Poe swallowed heavily and ran a hand through his face. “They came out of _nowhere_. There weren’t too many but we were surprised...”

Poe closed his mouth tightly, trying to resist the wave of emotions. He felt weak and ashamed but he couldn’t help sobbing.

To Poe’s surprise, he felt Finn tugging at his mother’s ring, quietly reminding him to look for that little source of comfort. When Poe opened his eyes again he found Finn’s encouraging smile. He grabbed Poe’s wrist and gave it a little squeeze before letting go. It was impossible for Poe to stop the first tears that rolled down his cheeks.

“You can guess the rest,” he continued with great effort, wiping his tears with a slightly shaky hand. “We shot them and tried to cause some damage but we weren’t organized. We had started to withdraw when Cassali was hit.”

The tears were falling freely now. Poe’s entire body was shaking. His attempts to calm himself were useless. That’s when Finn got closer, asking for permission with his careful eyes and then holding Poe’s body in his arms.

“I’m sure you did what you could, Poe. All of you.” Poe moved so he was holding him back and Finn sighed. “It’s so unfair, I’m so sorry we lost her.”

“She was so young, though. Even younger than you,” argued Poe, grabbing Finn’s waist more tightly with his last words.

“She was also determined, and altruistic and a little hot-headed from what I’ve heard. It reminds me of someone,” Finn added near Poe’s ear trying to earn a little laughter. He was only half successful. “But hey, Poe. Listen to me.”

He pushed Poe a little, getting him to sit properly so he could see his face. There were thick tear streaks down his cheeks and his eyes were visibly red even in the afternoon light. 

“We are in war. I don’t have to explain this to you, right? It _is_ unfair and sad and wrong. All of us here know that this will be dangerous and that we are risking our lives every day. And people choose to take the risk because there is something we are fighting for, something that is worth all this effort.” Finn’s voice wavered. “And your pilots, they are some of the bravest people I know. And _you_ are right there at the top.” Poe shook his head but Finn placed both hands on his face. “Yes, you are. What happened to Cassali is not your fault, I won’t let you take the blame for it.”

Poe nodded a few times. He was crying silently then, breathing deeply every few seconds. He reached for Finn’s hand and guided it to his mother’s ring. They hold it in between their hands, a warm and grounding presence.

“I don’t think that’s completely true. Sometimes,” Poe whispered. “About knowing what we’re getting into, I mean.” He swallowed and looked at Finn with wide honest eyes, they were showing all the fear he had been trying to hide. “We are not… I don’t think we consider it, that we’re always about to die. I think none of us truly like to think about it. We store it in the back of our minds, hoping we can deal with it in some indefinite time in the future.” Poe realized he was acknowledging that for the first time out loud. “So we go about our business pretending every mission is a training drill at the Academy and that everything will be alright. But sometimes it isn’t .”

Poe stopped to take a deep breath. He focused his eyes on Finn’s face who was looking at him patiently, waiting for him to continue whenever he felt ready. It was then that Poe noticed Finn was tracing irregular patterns on his wrist. The motion was reassuring as everything about Finn in that moment.

Poe sighed, his shoulders falling with it.

“When people like Cassali die it just feels so _wrong_. Suddenly everything is in your face. You can’t ignore the risk anymore, and it’s... terrifying.” 

Poe freed himself from Finn’s hold and covered his face with both hands. He had done enough crying for a year. He had to stop.

Finn was quick to follow his movements and his hands covered Poe’s, letting them rest there for a while before he started pulling, trying to meet the other’s gaze. Poe’s eyes were even redder with the effort of holding back new tears. Their joint hands rested on top of Finn’s lap.

“It’s all right. I’m right here,” Finn tried to comfort him. He leaned forward, closer than he’d probably ever been before. “You can cry if you need it,” he offered softly. “And honestly, I think you do. Don’t feel ashamed for it, please. You can cry with me.”

Poe buried himself in Finn’s chest. It felt like he had opened a dam, freeing a never ending flow of all his darkest thoughts, those that had been carefully handled in silence by his brain so he could survive this war. For a while, the only thing he could do was crying like he hadn’t done in a very long time.

The night kept falling around them, changing the hues of golden and orange slowly into dark blue. Soon enough it would be dark around them, with the exception of the dim light from the stars that filtered through the trees.

"I got to meet Cassali, you know?"

Poe's face was still pressed to the coarse shirt Finn was wearing, and even though he wasn’t about to stop crying any time soon, that comment caught his attention. Finn started playing with Poe's hair.

"A few weeks after I woke up, we were on that weird cold planet, remember? And I was so lost, I needed to go to the new medbay and then I found her. She had her wrist wrapped with ice and said she had fallen or something."

Poe chuckled, he knew exactly when that happened. Cassali had set an elaborate trap on Snap's tool box and a slimy green substance had covered his face the moment he opened it. Snap was running behind her trying to get a bit of the green thing on her, and Cassali stepped on something that made her fall spectacularly, twisting her wrist in the process.

"She was lost too," Finn continued with a laugh. “But we walked together around the little base until we found the medbay. She told me she was nervous about being so new and it surprised me. I had seen her from afar and she always seemed super confident. I think she was happy serving for the Resistance."

Poe was crying silently now. He nodded.

"She had great things to do in her future."

"I know, but at least she gave her life for something she believed in and doing what she loved the most. It's a weak consolation, I know. But it's something.”

The trees around them were mostly black now and there was barely enough light to see the colours of the leaves and flowers. Everything was starting to turn into different shades of dark brown and blue. Poe could hear something like crickets and feel the cold soil under his legs. He didn’t want to leave the cocoon of Finn’s arms. Careful hands were caressing his back slowly, up and down in very measured motions. His mind wasn’t clear enough to process what Finn cuddling him like that could mean, but he was certain he wanted it to last. 

_I don’t want to lose you._

The thought took him by surprise and his only reaction was to hold Finn tighter, something that called the attention of the other man.

“Everything alright?”

Poe nodded, opened his mouth and coughed before mumbling “‘m sorry”, voice thick with tears and a little sharp with a hint of panic.

“Don’t apologize. It’s okay.” Finn seemed to hesitate and then he placed a soft tentative kiss on top of Poe’s head. “I’m here for you, always.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Poe blurted, his face still hidden away. Finn’s hand stilled in the middle of his back after hearing what he said.

For a few moments, Poe could only hear the sound of his own rushed breathing and Finn’s slower one. 

_Was it a mistake to say it?_

“I don’t want to lose you either,” and Finn apparently read his mind because he immediately added: “I can’t promise you that nothing will happen. Nor to me nor to anyone else.” Finn placed his palm on Poe’s cheek delicately. “You have such a big heart, you care so much. But you can’t protect us all.” Then he took Poe’s face in both his hands. Poe’s eyes widened and Finn surely could see the deep fear starting to drown him. He was about to protest when Finn spoke again: “You’re not the only one who’s terrified, Poe. We all are. We are sad and worried and scared. And that 's okay.”

Poe was shaking his head.

“I need to be in control of myself. I can’t do shit for the Resistance if I have a mental breakdown after or _during a_ mission.”

“Poe,” Finn’s voice was stern now, “you have to allow yourself to _feel_ things. You deserve to grieve the friends you lost. You need to process your emotions, hiding them only hurts you further.” He let go of Poe’s face and took one of his hands instead. There was a single tear that started rolling down Poe’s cheek.

Poe closed his eyes, breathing in long and deeply while Finn observed him carefully. 

“I don’t think I could handle something like Crait again.”

The words were out of Poe’s mouth so quickly Finn could have lost them if he weren’t so close to him. Poe lowered his eyes, ashamed by the weakness he was showing.

“Hey.” Finn placed his hand below his chin and beckoned him to look at his eyes. “If something like that happened, I’d be with you. But,” he added with a short dramatic pause, “we are going to work to avoid it. We are going to have hope. We can’t quite win the fight if we already think we lost, right?”

And with those last few sentences, Poe couldn’t help laughing despite the sadness clinging to his chest. A small smile lingered on his lips when he spoke again.

“That reminded me of my mum.” Finn looked at Poe’s ring hanging from his neck and nodded, encouraging him to continue. “She used to say you can’t go into battle if you don’t sincerely hope, at least a little, to actually be able to win it. Otherwise you are already carrying defeat with you.”

“A wise woman.”

“And a hell of a pilot,” Poe added with a proud smile.

“Just like you.”

Poe closed his eyes and huffed a laugh.

“I miss her the most in moments like this. You never hear of how war heroes were scared to tears, but she must have been, and she must have been brave enough to push through and fight.”

“She had you and your dad. Of course she wanted to go out there and win that war.”

Poe nodded, suddenly overwhelmed by the mental image of her mother fighting her way back home so she could hold him and put him to bed. In another circumstance, he would have tried to stop the few tears that gathered in his eyes. This time he let his head rest on Finn’s shoulder and allowed himself to think of the few memories of his mother he still retained. As usual, Finn noticed he needed some time for himself and placed an arm around his waist, letting the silence grow comfortably between them.

The night had fallen around them. People at the base were probably already noticing they weren’t there. Poe hoped they wouldn’t worry too much.

“I’m sure she’s very proud of you,” Finn whispered, touching Shara’s ring for a second. “And I am too.”

They were looking at each other in the darkness. Around them, the jungle was alive with the sounds of its nightly inhabitants. Poe placed his hand over Finn’s and smiled a little.

“When this is over, I’m taking you to Yavin 4.” The statement seemed to take Finn by surprise. It surprised Poe too. He didn’t stop to think about the implications of his words and simply went on, he felt inexplicably brave: “This jungle is fine but you haven’t seen anything like Yavin. And you have to see our sunsets, just the best in the galaxy, I tell you.”

“Poe, I’d be honoured,” Finn replied slowly, like he was trying to control his emotion.

“There’s a force tree in our backyard, have I told you?” He had, Poe knew it, he also knew Finn wouldn’t mind hearing the story again. “It was a gift from Luke Skywalker himself. Kids usually like to play there and…” Poe tried to swallow the surge of emotions. ”My mum’s right there, it’s a beautiful place. She used to love it.”

Finn was holding back his tears. Even through the darkness, Poe could see his brown shiny eyes. Finn squeezed his hand.

“I’d love to see that, to visit your mum and the jungle.” There were tears rolling down Finn’s face then and worry clutched Poe’s heart.

He scooted closer, taking Finn’s hands in his. He wanted to kiss Finn’s tears away so much. He was about to say something when Finn spoke again.

“I would love to have something uh... to look forward to, you know. After this is over. _Somewhere_ to come back to.”

Finn was looking to the floor, ashamed for some reason Poe didn’t understand at first. And then he realized. What his offer could mean. What Finn’s acceptance could mean. He’d imagined his body would be too exhausted to feel such a rush of energy so soon. But there he was, a trembling vulnerable mess of a pilot staring directly at what he had hoped so bad would be his future.

“Hey.”

Poe wanted to say more but the words weren’t coming fast enough. He opted for reaching for Finn’s arms instead. Finn looked at him with clear surprise, but he let Poe maneuver them until he was half-lying comfortably with his head nicely tucked under Poe’s chin.

“You’ll always have me.”

Finn sighed with what must have been relief. Poe was about to cry again, this time surprisingly, with happy tears.

Poe was extremely aware they were avoiding the other possible outcome of this war. He had no energy to dwell on the possibility of any or both of them not making it through and besides, he needed to follow his mother's advice. He had to have hope and believe they would have that chance.

He embraced the idea fiercely and in turn, he enveloped his arms around Finn’s torso and pulled him closer. Finn returned the gesture as best as he could from his position and Poe found himself smiling.

“I will get to meet your father?”

Poe wasn’t waiting for that. He looked down at Finn, trying to see the details of his face in the darkness.

“Yeah, yeah, of course. You’ll love his food.” Finn’s smile was bright. “And if you’re unlucky enough, you’ll meet my brother too.”

Finn laughed a little at that. The sound was a balm for Poe’s scarred and tired soul.

“They’re surely as great as you.”

“But not as handsome.”

“That’s impossible to beat, Dameron.”

Finn bit his lower lip but his smile was still showing. Poe looked at him for so long the time seemed to stretch forever. A firm determination took over his mind and soul, giving him a sort of strength he hadn’t felt before. Finn was looking at him with expectation.

“We’ll end this thing, even if I have to do it on my own with my X-wing. And when it’s done…” He was getting lost in Finn’s eyes without hope to ever get out. “When it’s done we’ll go to Yavin 4 and then wherever you want to go, Finn.”

“Anywhere?”

“Anywhere.” Poe placed his forehead to Finn’s and took a deep breath. “When this is over, Finn, wherever you are, I’ll be there too. For as long as you have me.”

Finn nodded, closing his eyes while a small smile formed on his mouth. He moved slightly and Poe knew he _understood_. He rubbed their noses together very softly and pulled away almost immediately. Finn smiled bright enough to light up the jungle, the planet, the whole damn system.

“I think we have a plan,” Finn replied, barely keeping at bay the obvious emotion in his voice.

Poe felt his heart beating wildly and it was so different from before, when panic was crippling his every sense. His mother was right, he needed something to fight for. They were all fighting against their own fears as much as against their enemy, but it was worth it because of the future that awaited them ahead. They would find their strength in that future. They would resist and fight and win until they could honour Cassali and all the other souls that were lost fighting for a better life for everyone in this galaxy.

Poe started to stand up and offered his hand to help Finn up.

“Come here, it’s getting cold.” Once they were at eye level Poe took Finn’s hand and smiled at him. “Thank you,” he offered and Finn arched an eyebrow, making him chuckle. “Thanks for everything, for taking your helmet off when we met, for bringing me here so I could talk, and... for everything in between.”

Finn looked sheepish and proud at the same time. He played with Poe’s fingers before looking back at him.

“I’ll do it all over again.”

Finn smiled wide as the moon and Poe felt a little dizzy with the force of it. He couldn’t wait for the war to be over so they could explore whatever this electrifying energy between them would bring. He willed the end of the war to come with so much strength, he could almost touch it with his fingertips.

He left a soft caress to Finn’s face instead.

“I really hope you know how to return now, because I’m lost.”

“We’ll find our way.”

“That we’ll do,” Poe agreed and they shared a knowing smile.


End file.
